Make a list of your goals or needs and the behaviours or situations that you would like to change. You can’t assert yourself if you are not sure what you want or need.

Believe in your abilities and your opinions. If you don’t, you’ll communicate that non-verbally, and fail to earn the respect you desire.

Don’t be afraid to disagree, voice you opinion or make your feelings and needs known. Watch how you phrase it though. You want to take ownership of your opinions, thoughts and feelings. You don’t want to sound like you’re launching an attack or simply telling people they are wrong.

Always start your messages off with “I”. Starting your sentences with “you” can be interpreted as an attack or judgement and immediately gets people’s backs up. Focus on your feelings and how the behaviour affects you. This also shows that you own your reactions and are not blaming the other person. A useful formula is “When you [behaviour], the effects are [result]” and I feel [your feelings]”. When requesting something or asking a favour, use “I want…” or “I need…”

Don’t label or judge. State things factually and impartially. Also avoid exaggerations.

Focus on specific behaviour instead of making vague or general statements. For example, when a friend phones to chat and you don’t have time to talk, say “I’d love to talk, but don’t have time right now. Can I phone you back tonight?” instead of “You always have the worst timing!”.

Say “Just a moment, I haven’t finished”.

It is your right to say no when you believe colleagues or employees are making unrealistic requests or when you really can’t take on more work.

When you say “no”, explain why, but don’t be overly apologetic and don’t feel guilty. Also avoid starting sentence with “I’m sorry”. Don’t say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear” or “I’m sorry, but are you busy right now”. It creates the perception that you’re taking blame for everything and reduces your assertiveness. Only apologise when you truly have reason to.

Accepts compliments on jobs well done. If you deflect compliments, you give the impression that you are not confident and feel your actions are meaningless or unworthy of acknowledgement. So, instead of replying with “It was nothing”, “It was a team effort” or “Don’t mention it”, simply say, “Thank you”. Don’t, however, jump on the bandwagon and tell everyone how great you really are. Arrogance won’t get you the promotion or the increase.

An overwhelming part of your message is conveyed non-verbally. Some studies suggest as much as 93 per cent of your message is non-verbal. This means you have to be conscious of your body language and try to communicate openness and confidence (even when you don’t feel very confident). Don’t hunch and avoid eye contact (passive body language) or glare, clench your fists and use intrusive gestures (aggressiveness). Assertive body language would involve standing upright in a relaxing manner, slightly leaning forward, calmly looking people in the eye, having open hands and uncrossed arms and keeping an even tone of voice.

Practice what you want to say in a few typical situations. Write a few scripts and say it out loud to fix them in your mind. Practice with a friend or colleague and ask for some feedback.

Remember, part of being assertive is respecting and acknowledging other people’s rights, opinions and values too. Listen carefully, without interrupting, ask questions instead of making assumptions, and request feedback on what you have said.